


This Doesn't Mean I Forgive You

by PinguMew98



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/F, Spoilers for the ending of Part II, hurt/comfort?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:28:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24903856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinguMew98/pseuds/PinguMew98
Summary: Spoilers for the end of The Last of Us Part IIEllie returns to Jackson.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 251





	This Doesn't Mean I Forgive You

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many TLOU2 feels but I need to concentrate on work and school so, I wrote this so I'd stop ruminating on it. This isn't a "fix-it," I don't think there's anything to fix. Like the end of the game, I end on a hopeful note.

Whispers tore through town like the plague. Furtive glances were cast her way. They acted on egg shells when she passed, but no one dare put words to the tension that hung thick. She watched her son on the small wooden playset. Memories of a snowball fight, which felt like a lifetime ago, but only a few years.

“Dina?”

“No.” Dina didn’t both to turn around, her eyes squeezed shut. The rumors of Ellie being back steeled her for Ellie’s presence, but now, hearing her voice, she could feel her resolve disappear. “No. You don’t get to waltz back into my life.”

“Never one for dancing. I mean…last dance I went to ended up in a fight with a bigot calling me a dyke.”

Despite herself, Dina smiled. For a brief moment, as she stood at that playground, that dance happened last night. She had kissed Ellie for the first time last night…

“I mean, I know it was only a six for you…”

Sighing, Dina turned to look at Ellie. She had always been wiry but instead, she looked gaunt. Ellie shuffled uncomfortably, kicking at the ground like the teenager Dina met when they were sixteen. Ellie’s hands clenched and unclenched, but it had a strange quality to it. Her old hamsa caught her eye though. After all this time, Ellie still wore the talisman.

There was so much Dina wanted to say. She wanted to yell at Ellie, for leaving her behind. She also knew that it wasn’t fair to blame Ellie, it was an unfair ultimatum. Ellie was no more in control of her PTSD than Dina was. For a week, Dina stayed in the house they had made, hoping Ellie would change her mind and come home. She had stormed over to where Tommy was living and yelled at him. But Tommy wasn’t the reason Ellie left – he just gave her the excuse. As long as Dina had been alive, she had some semblance of control whereas Ellie was the opposite, someone who had never had control over her life. After a week, Dina recognized she couldn’t wait for Ellie. As much as she loved her, Dina couldn’t spend her whole life wondering if Ellie was alive or dead.

“Is it over?” was all Dina could ask.

“Yes.”

“So Abby’s dead.” Dina didn’t feel relief. With Abby dead, Ellie had finally turned into the monster lurking beneath. Abby’s death meant that that the headstrong, space-loving, comic book nerd she fell in love with was truly dead as well. That’s the Ellie she had mourned all those months ago when she cleared out the farm house. She left all of Ellie’s artwork in the upstairs bedroom because living with the specter of her dead girl was too much to handle. In many ways, she could rationalize Joel’s and Jesse’s deaths – footnotes in the world they lived in. But both died who they were, not tainted by the violence of their worlds.

But Ellie.

Ellie chose to leave. What is more, she seemed to be drowning in the violence unable to connect with who she was.

“No…”

That wasn’t the response Dina was prepared for.

“I let her go.”

Dina rushed over to Ellie and wrapped her in her arms. At the physical contact, both women started crying. “This doesn’t mean I’ve forgive you.” Dina managed to choke out. Ellie clung tighter.

“I didn’t expect you to. I just, needed to see you.”

The two separated. Dina’s eye once again was drawn to Ellie’s hands. Her mind finally clicked, realizing the degree to which Ellie’s left hand was mangled. She grabbed it to examine closer.

“What the fuck happened here?”

Ellie acceded to her hand being probed but hesitated. “Maybe, we can talk?”

Dina murmured her assent. “Where are you staying?”

Once again, Ellie hesitated. “I’m…not sure.”

This was unsurprising to Dina. She was the logical first choice but that bridge was burned. Then there was Tommy and Maria. But they were still separated. There was no way in hell Maria would allow Ellie to stay with her. Tommy was an option but…

“I figured I’d stay at the farm house.” Ellie said. “I saw some bedding there so it’ll be good.”

Dina closed her eyes and turned her back to Ellie.

The farm house. The place where they had built a family and had lived for almost a year. Almost a year of relative peace. When she packed up and moved out, despite herself, she had left a clean set of linens out, just in case.

“You’re going to need a heavier blanket.” Was all she could think to say. “Wait here, watching J.J. and I’ll go get you some.”

Without waiting for a reply, Dina walked to Robin’s house.

* * *

“You’re giving her our nicest blanket?” Robin asked. Dina sighed. “Yes. It's cold out there and she deserves…”

“She doesn’t deserve your help. She left you and J.J.” Robin verbally stuck her thumb in the open wound Ellie left behind. Still, Dina stuffed the blanket into a bag.

“No, she deserves the world.” Dina shot back.

As angry as she was at Ellie, it didn’t stop her from loving the woman. As angry as she was, she knew that Ellie had been carrying around a monster Dina couldn’t save her from.

* * *

“Here.” Dina practically shoved the bag at Ellie when she got back to the playground.

“He’s looking really big.” Ellie commented, shuffling around.

“That’s what happens in a year.” Dina knowingly put a bite to her words.

“Thanks for this.” Ellie said holding the bag up to indicate. “When…”

“I’ll let you know.” Dina cut her off.

Nodding, Ellie turned her back and headed back to the farmhouse. Dina watched Ellie go out of the corner of her eye. When she was gone, she broke down in spasmodic sobs. J.J., completely unaware because he was a baby, crawled over to his mother. Picking the potato up, she went back to their home.

* * *

It was a week before Dina banged on the door to Tommy’s house. When he opened up, Dina shoved him. Tommy was use to these random acts of shoving and yelling. He never bothered apologizing, he knew words could never sooth Dina’s hurt. Instead, his penance was to be a human punching bag for the young woman.

“You are going out to the farmhouse. You get Ellie and you bring her here.” Dina demanded.

For a week she thought of what she wanted to say, what she needed to say, and where she wanted to say it. She couldn’t bear it to return to what once was their home – it wasn’t theirs anymore. She couldn’t do it in a public place and her new home felt too intimate a location. The only place that made sense was Tommy’s. Nodding, Tommy sauntered off to grab his coat.

Dina paced about Tommy’s house, checking the window occasionally, even though she knew it would be hours before they got back. She found Tommy’s liquor stash. She drank. When that didn’t soothe her nerves, she prayed.

A light rap at the door caused Dina to stop. The door creaked open slightly.

“Dina?” came the hesitate voice of Ellie.

“In here.”

Ellie shuffled into view, nervously rubbing her mangled hand. “Am I, interrupting?”

Dina shook her head in the negative as she motioned to an empty chair.

As they sat, looking at each other, neither dared to breathe a word.

“I prayed for you, every day.” Dina commented. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“What did you pray about?”

“It was a prayer for the dead.”

Ellie tapped nervously on the table. “What’s the prayer about?”

Dina considered for a moment. “It’s a request to God that the dead’s soul is protected, and that they might live peacefully.”

“I missed you and J.J. every day.”

“Nope.” Dina interjected. “We’re not talking about that. You can tell me what happened. Why you decided not to kill Abby. What happened to your hand. But we are not talking about how much you missed us because you didn’t come back.”

Ellie nodded as she started into her story. She told her about tracking Abby to Santa Barbara. About getting caught in a trap and impaling herself on a tree. Getting bit by a Runner and finally finding Abby tied up on the beach. She went into their fight, how Abby didn’t want to but Ellie threatened her traveling companion’s life. That Abby bit her fingers off and how Ellie felt the other woman dying under the waves before she finally let her go.

Dina listened to it all as passively as she could. It was difficult to though. When Ellie described drowning Abby, Dina thought about the big girl who had smashed her face into the ground. Unconsciously, she rubbed at the arrow wound in her shoulder.

“You wouldn’t have recognized her. I barely did. In Seattle, Abby looked like she could fight a bear and win. In Santa Barbara, she looked, well, not too dissimilar from me.”

Dina couldn’t picture it. “Why didn’t you kill her?”

There was the question that had been on Dina’s mind for a week. Ellie had gone to get revenge. She gave up their family to chase this vendetta. Ellie even had the ability in the moment to finish it forever. Why had she gone through all of that and not killed Abby?

Ellie hesitated. “Its…hard to put words to.” She once again rubbed her mangled hand, probably remembering when Abby bit her fingers off. Probably remembering holding the woman’s throat underwater as her legs kicked, but growing more feeble, more…pitiful. “After cutting her down, I remembered Joel’s bloodied face. It reminded me of what she did, what she deserved. But when I was holding her underwater, I remembered Joel, playing the guitar. That stupid song he always played…” Ellie was crying.

Without thinking Dina reached out and grasped Ellie’s hand.

“And I thought, what would Joel think of me now? What would he say if he knew I killed this woman whose only thought was of her friend, who’d do anything, even die needlessly, for them. Joel said, even knowing how everything ended up, with me hating him and probably dooming the world, he’d do it again…I don’t think I could say with the same confidence I’d do the same.”

There was a long silence. Dina stood up and started to walk away.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Ellie said quickly.

Dina turned and looked at Ellie.

“Good.”

She turned back around and picked up a guitar.

“I can’t play anymore.” Ellie said sadly.

“Who said I need you to play for me?” Dina responded. She started strumming on the guitar. It wasn’t prefect, but Ellie could hear the tune for "Take on Me." Dina looked up from her playing.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive you. But I’m willing to try.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm adding some end notes...
> 
> Ellie is 19.
> 
> We know that your brain doesn't fully develop until you're 25, meaning you can't fully understand the consequences of your actions. Therefore, she can't really connect that going after Abby is going to totally blow up her life. Also, I didn't have the trauma of Ellie but I had an incident that caused me to have PTSD when I was 14...it wasn't until I was 24 until I was willing to get professional help when the PTSD effected my work. At 19, I had dated 1 woman, broken up very easily with her and nearly killed myself, but then I met someone else....and I got married to her. 
> 
> All of that is to say...Ellie is 19. She has so much growing to do.


End file.
